Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Charlie Sheen: A Victim of Women?

Charlie Sheen can wrap his fictional Mom, played perfectly by Holland Taylor, around his finger and get off with a zinger.  Does that neat plot mean the rest of the female population doesn't know how to short his sheets, and throw him out the door?  Why isn’t he residing in a doghouse, without a bone to keep him warm? 

Why haven’t the writers of Two and a Half Men deposited the Charlie Harper character in a dump with no air conditioning—and no heat in the winter, either?  Why doesn’t he ever run in to the Queen of the Human Species?  It shouldn’t take Lydia Kamakaʻeha Kaola Maliʻi Liliʻuokalani, the last Queen of Hawaii, to take him down a peg—or 1.8 million.  

No, instead, the fictional Charlie Harper gets an overweight maid to do his bidding, plus underdressed chicks running all over his neighborhood.  Where does this man live—Los Angeles, or a new location for that famous collection by Ernest Hemingway, Men Without [Real] Women?  Even Disney never laid it on this thick—and Prince Charming was in the shoe business! 

If Charlie Sheen has startled his audience with his recent erratic behavior, what must it have been like playing Charlie Harper for the last eight years?  He never gets to grow up, never gets to portray sorrow, never gets to be more than Peter Pan—and he doesn’t even get to wing over the stage with Tinkerbell fast behind, lighting the way for the rest of the Lost Boys! 
Do Americans need to practice Fung Sui just to send women running away from Charlie Harper’s residence, wherever the writers pretend it is?  Charlie Sheen may contend that he is Adonis, but Charlie Harper looks like a front for the real estate business.  All that panoramic footage of beachfront properties does not include their current value, does it? 

In place of beachfront advertising, here is a fantasy interview for Charlie's replacement, set on a foreclosed farm, about to be sold to Two Men for Half Its Worth: 

1.  Do you believe that women were born to make you happy, no matter what you do? 

2.  Did your mother make you stand in a corner until you could make sense? 

3.  Did your father threaten to beat you because he said men could take pain--and inflict it? 

4.  Did your parents require you to raise a calf or goat successfully to adulthood? 

5.  Did your parents require you to raise a plant successfully to edible fruit or grain? 

6.  Have you had vaccinations against the following:  Yes or No?

A.  Temper tantrums

B.  Narcissism

C.  Bowling Obsession

D.  Football Concussions

E.  Motorcycle Madness

F.  Addictions, especially to My Mother the Car

7.  Name your current employer:

8.  Name your current extracurricular activities:  (Beer Pong doesn't count.)

9.  Name your favorite TV shows:  (Brothers and Sisters would be good.)

10.  Do you know who Qaddafi is?  (Yes, spelling counts.)

11  Are you planning a vacation in Mexico?   (If Yes, don't explain.)

12.  How do you spend the bulk of your day?  (Don't say, Fantasizing.) 

Thanks.  Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac welcome your input.

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